Autumn is a season of letting go, decay, preparation for the coming winter. The temperature cools, the days draw in. There are so many beautiful colours and textures all around us, and these seem heightened during Autumn. Suddenly, the tree’s seem to be brighter, the colours of nature more vibrant. How often do we stop and take a look at the leaves changing colours? How often do we see the tree’s letting go of their leaves, conkers and sweet chestnut cases dropping to the forest floor? There are opportunities all around us to take a mindful moment to connect to the world around us.
Recently, while walking in the woods I noticed the ground was covered in sweet chestnut cases. Luckily I had my robust walking boots on, or it would have been a proper painful and potentially anxiety provoking experience. If you have ever picked up a sweet chestnut case, you will know exactly the pain I am referring to. To really examine, explore and experience the sweet chestnut required picking up a case. I initially noticed the sharpness of the spiny case. They pricked my fingers, I found it easier to hold in the palm of my hand than in my fingertips.
Anxiety can feel like the anticipation of picking up of the prickly case, with a narrative running through thoughts such as: ‘I daren’t touch it’, ‘its painful’ ‘I can’t hold it’ ‘its going to hurt’ or it can be a defence mechanism, ‘if I make my outer self prickly and protected, nothing bad will happen’. Maybe this resonates with you as you read this, if you have ever experienced anxiety, it does me.
As I peep inside the sharp, prickly exterior, I notice the small, delicate, smooth chestnuts, encased in a soft, fluffy layer, such a difference to the external surface.
There is a lot nature can share with us as humans, about the way we are, or our experiences. As I held the sweet chestnut and explored its different textures I found the textures and colours evoking a deeper sense of autumn. We need to look deeper, explore further, see whats underneath. This safe shell isn’t always needed, in fact, it can be exhausting keeping it on, but sometimes we get ourselves into a habit of keeping the shell on, sometimes without even realising we are doing it, and then wonder to ourselves, what am I anxious about? Everyone can experience anxiety, its only when it gets to the point where it impacts on our lives, that we can greatly help ourselves by exploring it, in a compassionate way, dialogue with it, and see what appears.
Conkers have a similar feel to sweet chestnuts. There is a subtle difference in texture of the spines of the case, they are more pliable, and soften with age, and inside, the shiny new glossy conker is a deep brown colour, smooth to the touch and has a lovely soft creamy white plateaux on the surface.
Finding fallen conkers reminds me of my childhood, walking home from school along a path that was lined with horse chestnut tree’s, the conkers dropping to the ground all around me. I couldn’t resist picking them up, the next one more shiny and smoother than the last, and then getting home with an pocket brimming to the top with conkers. I never played ‘conkers’ a game commonly played in the school playground when I was young. I just enjoyed collecting them, feeling them, taking them out of their prickly shells and exploring them. Ironically, now, conkers can be used in my therapy sessions – ‘conker your emotions’ each conker has an emotion painted onto it, which a client can chose.
Everyone experiences anxiety for very personal reasons, and you might not know why you feel the way you do. This is where seeking support, and help from someone else is so important to be able to figure the root of the anxious feeling if it isn’t always obvious.
I can imagine you reading this and thinking to yourself, ‘its not that easy’ well that is true, it takes time, it can take years, accepting that at times moving into a more ‘anxious’ way of being at times, is a normal part of the ebb and flow of life. When we really know our own personal anxiety, and why it functions the way it does, then we can work with it, dialogue with it, not against it. Knowledge is power, such as finding things that work to help, not hinder us, tools we can use when we are feeling anxious.
Next time you are out in Autumn, see if you can find a sweet chestnut or conker and spend some time with it, explore its inner and outer case. I would love to hear how you get on. And remember…we all experience anxiety from time to time. Be kind to yourself and take small, slow, steady, steps.
If anything mentioned in this blogpost resonates with you, and you would like to talk to me about it, I would be happy to hear from you.